I spent two days in the hospital few days ago, accompanying mom who'd just undergone a small surgery. For the first time, I observed the happenings in the hospital. I saw frustrated and hopeless faces, so close to death. They don't even need to tell me, I just know, they or someone around them ARE close to death. I saw emergencies, family members rushing someone to the doctor, but they don't even know which doctor to go to. I saw a lady, grumbling to her mom for not taking care of her mom's own eyes, and she kept reminding her mom not to even touch her eye anymore. Because it was already infected. I saw a pregnant lady, expecting, staying in a suite room opposite my mom's. Yeah the suite was beautiful, considered the most comfortable one in the hospital, i bet, but i was there for two days, and i saw no one coming to see her, not even the man that supposed to.
I just can't explain what creeped into my mind, the feeling is weird and everything feels so...insulting, i guess.
That's just denying myself as a not-so-obedient-daughter and feeling guilty again for being a bad one..........
A few hours ago, someone told me I wasn't the old me anymore. It was indirect, but I do admit it. I wasn't the one studying so badly to get good scores anymore. I felt hopeless thinking about futures and scholarships and SPM and results and craps. But I am happy, even more than satisfied with what I am now. I know it's wrong, very wrong. So, I do admit it, I AM AIMLESS.
For the very first 5 minutes after I heard that, I was thinking so hardly, convincing myself to start working hard after this weekend. I guess I really should, then.
Today, I spent a few hours in the school. I saw all the settings in the hall...and I told people I had no feelings towards the event. I guess I do not know what feelings are anymore. I did not cry after reading touching novels like I used to. I did not shed a tear watching a touching scene in a drama like I used to. I used to laugh like mad but, I don't think I felt anything, anymore. It had been a long time, a few months is considered quite long to me, to not even cry for once. Did I? maybe I just don't remember.
Oh goodness, I'm doomed.
But, maybe not yet, since I can still express it in words.
Maybe there's some day I can't express a thing anymore,
and I hope the day won't come.
I will still SMILE and STUDY HARD.
love life.
