love life.

Several times I felt desperate to blog about stuffs, but I just ran out of words. Tonight I just decided that I HAVE TO BLOG, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY and it's just so random I don't even know why.

I guess I am too exhausted to fall asleep.

I spent two days in the hospital few days ago, accompanying mom who'd just undergone a small surgery. For the first time, I observed the happenings in the hospital. I saw frustrated and hopeless faces, so close to death. They don't even need to tell me, I just know, they or someone around them ARE close to death. I saw emergencies,  family members rushing someone to the doctor, but they don't even know which doctor to go to. I saw a lady, grumbling to her mom for not taking care of her mom's own eyes, and she kept reminding her mom not to even touch her eye anymore. Because it was already infected. I saw a pregnant lady, expecting, staying in a suite room opposite my mom's. Yeah the suite was beautiful, considered the most comfortable one in the hospital, i bet, but i was there for two days, and i saw no one coming to see her, not even the man that supposed to.

I just can't explain what creeped into my mind, the feeling is weird and everything feels so...insulting, i guess.

That's just denying myself as a not-so-obedient-daughter and feeling guilty again for being a bad one..........

A few hours ago, someone told me I wasn't the old me anymore. It was indirect, but I do admit it. I wasn't the one studying so badly to get good scores anymore. I felt hopeless thinking about futures and scholarships and SPM and results and craps. But I am happy, even more than satisfied  with what I am now. I know it's wrong, very wrong. So, I do admit it, I AM AIMLESS.

For the very first 5 minutes after I heard that, I was thinking so hardly, convincing myself to start working hard after this weekend. I guess I really should, then.

Today, I spent a few hours in the school. I saw all the settings in the hall...and I told people I had no feelings towards the event. I guess I do not know what feelings are anymore. I did not cry after reading touching novels like I used to. I did not shed a tear watching a touching scene in a drama like I used to. I used to laugh like mad but, I don't think I felt anything, anymore. It had been a long time, a few months is considered quite long to me, to not even cry for once. Did I? maybe I just don't remember. 

Oh goodness, I'm doomed.

But, maybe not yet, since I can still express it in words.

Maybe there's some day I can't express a thing anymore, 

and I hope the day won't come.

I will still SMILE and STUDY HARD.

love life.

给自己 :)

最近说话变粗俗了
说话语气不自觉变得很无礼
让我亦觉得很对不起某些人
亦觉得有点不知所措

其实
我并不讨厌自己这样

习惯了
言行举止常会让自己后悔
所以一直萌生的
是无止尽的内疚感与无奈


真惨。

对日常作息的态度开始稍有变化
惊觉
我其实也可以对自己松懈
原来
享受很重要。

我享受这样
所以决定不再坚持
失去就算了
自己能接受
就还好。

最近
看见各式各样的爱情
虽然觉得自己似乎对此话题并没什么发言权利

却想对身边的人们说：
没有所谓的一天多少封简讯多少通电话
若还要计较无谓的事
那分明是想找人掩护自己的单身罢了
别谈幼稚的爱情了
你不累我看了都累

也许，你如果看了蔡智恒的《檞寄生》，会想分手
那就庆祝分手吧
因为在那个时候
你肯定觉得
自己走路轻快多了。

(:

永远没什么。




推荐书籍：蔡智恒-《檞寄生》，谢谢静慧 (:
推荐歌曲：孙燕姿-当冬夜渐暖
♥

当冬夜渐暖

演唱：孙燕姿
填词：藤井树

LOST.

nah, it's not your fault, truly.
yeah i thought that last meeting helped, i thought. until i found out that there my emotions are so complicated.

honestly, i told yen i m gonna talk to you that day. i FAILed. i don't even know where to start, i have no more emotions, no more feelings.....

there are times where i feel my heart is freezed, or shld i say i freezed my own heart, yeah at least that's what i could say.......
and unfortunately i locked myself up that afternoon.

i was happy that whole day and the nxt, until i realised....i am being happy bcoz i think i shld be, not that i really am...

i thought i've already accepted, i thought i am back to my ownself.

until i realised, time passed, i can go back to that old self....
i hated myself for being kinda insane this whole month,
i've nvr accidentally slept on sofa at nite
i've nvr wanna scream nor beat ppl when i m frustrated
i've nvr been so dumb until i can't sleep before 1am
i've nvr looked at a particular thingy for hours and do nothing
i've nvr BEEN LIKE THIS BEFORE!

there was once i was extremely desperate for that one-hour-call
i missed that too, NOW.

i know we both don't want anything bad to happen,
we both are sure about our feelings.
it's just that....

i haven't figured out what actually happened to me yet. it's weird.
not yet.

these things take time
that's the worst excuse i can tell myself.

i am sorry, i wasn't in purpose.

smile.

我一直在问自己想干嘛

成天无头绪地去翻别人好久以前的部落格
无头绪地在面子书看别人都在干什么
有空就在面子书乱看照片
乱逛
早上1点之前，不甘愿睡觉

不然
乱弹钢琴 打琴键
亦或
躺在沙发上看着电视发呆
坐在阳台望着盆栽胡思乱想

功课也不做
书也不读
歌也懒得听

颓废。



一直提醒自己不能再这样下去
记得两星期前对自己说过
我允许自己自我检讨，但决不自暴自弃。

但实在太久了。

对，我的面具太厚了。

我承认自己一直没办法找到原因
其实是因为我在怕。

我怕，发现另一个自己。
不止发现，更怕面对。

说话太直接，会内疚
会提醒里头那个“另一个自己”
不能这样
但
因为有太多不想承认的成分
提醒无效
就一直重复内疚。



是的，我很固执。
非常。

都不愿承认自己心里很多的感觉
不愿被自己发现

苦啊，哭不出来。

他们都怕对我说话了
我想
他们都认为我快疯了
我想

我不疯，只是在允许自己自我发现。



想潇洒的一笑置之
但，太不健康了。


:) 还是会笑。

自私

男人身边有两个女人
让他很懊恼不知该选谁
A比较有女人味，他选了A
他们结婚了。
他对B说：我需要像A那样体贴的女生，我爱她。

B心灵受伤了……

一年后
男人见识了妻子的脾气
发觉，当初的决定是错的
应该选B。

他告诉B: 我爱你，对不起当初我做了错误的决定，现在我比任何时候都清醒，
我爱的人是你。

男人以为选择一直都存在，
他只看见身边的人的缺点，用这个来断定对一个人的爱。

结论：男人爱的是自己。



----------------------------------------------------------------------

近来对这两个字研究了好一段时间


一开始我不相信
拼命否认自己有私心

但我最终还是太爱自己了
我还没搞清楚是为了尊严，还是因为害怕受伤害？
也许两者都是吧。

我们常常都在自我包庇
包庇自己软弱的一面
但我们都没发觉
因为没有人揭穿。

这种软弱
有的人掩饰得很好，
有的人不懂的掩饰，
有的人自以为掩饰的很好事实上却很烂。

最苦的人是：
以为自己一点都不软弱……
这种人最自私，最怕被人指点，自以为够强悍。


结论：
世界上所有人都是自私的。
好听点，这种自私被称为：自爱。